Requiem for a Rodent (In honor of Paul Dixon and his brave battle with the rat that invaded via the downstairs toilet)
He shakes his head; he gasps for air;
He looks about the bathroom fair.
“What place is this?” He asks himself
“How did’st I reach this watery shelf?”
Well thou shouldst ask, thou rodent wet:
Thy hours are few; thy death knell set.
For Paul of Dixon seeketh thee
And will not rest until thou be
Deprived of breath, of life, of all.
O hail to thee, O mighty Paul!
First Paul must muster sword and shield
For rodents do not simply yield.
So off to get the tools to start:
Away to local Wal of Mart!
A trap will work—and poison too.
Perhaps a tray with sticky glue?
Nay, nay that seems like overkill
Let trap and poison do their will.
“Oh crafty rat,” the muses wail
“The trap hath only got thy tail!
O piteous sight! O bloody mess!
Paul’s tragic battle we do bless!”
“Round two,” Paul shouts above the fray,
Next time we’ll fight the Dixon way.”
He girds his loins, he enters proud,
He shouts “Begone” so very loud.
The rodent hides behind the sink.
“What now to do? I have to think!”
Round three begins and Paul doth stand
A noble plunger in his hand.
“Come out! Come out! His mouth doth speak”
Eeek eek, eek eek, the rat doth squeak.
Paul seeks and prods as fight demands
Whilst Barbara weeps and wrings her hands.
“What’s happening beyond that door?
Art we infested ever more?
Wilt my beloved safely win
This battle nobly entered in?
Or will I ne’er more see his face
And have to move from this foul place?”
The squeaking stops. A silence reigns.
The door swings open. Darkness wanes.
The noble Dixon, arms held high
Announces gravely: “Do not cry.
The rat hath left this mortal coil.
Please hand me that aluminum foil.”
O noble Paul! O glorious day!
Your deed shall thy admission pay
To realms of glory yet unknown.
Thy feat hath immortality sown.
Thy noble plunger found its mark.
The light will now outshine the dark.
Paul looks away–to shed a tear?
And says aloud for all to hear:
“Rats have their place. They do some good
When they do linger where they should.
Rats are fair throughout the ages—
If they be pets and housed in cages.”